The Skyrim Misadventures
by Pajama Warrior
Summary: The adventure begins when a teenage girl and her loyal companion get sucked into the world of Skyrim. The so-called "Dragonborn" turns out to be one of them, but what happens if the Dragonborn fails at everything! Can the two of them escape before their own misadventures have all of Skyrim after them?
1. A Furry Dilemma

**This is my first fanfic so the writing may seem a little amateur; I really just wanted to upload my first story! The idea for this came to me one day when I was playing Skyrim. This happened a while back, so I'm a lot better at the game now, but when I first started out I really sucked at it. And so, this is an ode to my epic failing in the realm of dragons…**

I plop down on the sofa and turn on the Xbox with the controller. It's been a long day, and I've wanted to try out my new game, Skyrim, for a whole week. However, just as the update screen is appearing (the game had been released quite a while back) I feel something tugging on the leg of my pajama pants. It's Scout, my fat pet cat and best non-human friend.

"What is it, Scout?" I ask, taking a swig of Red Bull. She meows loudly and head-butts my leg,probably because she is out of food. Scout has been my pet cat -or I've been her pet human- for nine years, so we're able to communicate nonverbally. For example, she expresses "let me outside I have to pee" by biting my toes.

Seeing that the update is only 13% complete, I get up and walk downstairs to the kitchen pantry, taking my Red Bull with me. I grab the cat food off the bottom shelf. I also pick up a jar of peanut butter, which I love to eat. Carefully holding everything so I won't drop it, I start to head back upstairs when I hear a loud crash.

"Scout?" I call, speeding up my pace. I run upstairs and look in all the rooms. Nothing unusual. I check the TV screen, just in time to see the update finish and then move on to the title screen.

_That was fast_, I think as I set everything down and pick up the controller. The main theme is epic, and I listen to a good bit before starting a new game. I watch as my character opens their eyes, finding themselves in a horse wagon with some prisoners. One of them, a Nord, starts talking about a war and the "Imperials", who are our captors. Then my attention is drawn to the other guy, a thief. He is asserting that he and I are not "rebels" and that we deserve to be free. The Nord continues to go on about his life while the thief begs his gods for assistance. The gagged man to my right, whom the Nord calls "Ulfric Stormcloak", is apparently the leader of the "Stormcloaks".

My thoughts begin to wander. _I wonder what race I'll be…_

The Imperials stop and the thief takes his chance to run, not noticing the Imperial soldiers on the road. He is swiftly killed, and my character steps up.

At first the Wood Elf appeals to me, but then I see the Khajiit, I quickly begin making my character. I pick a gray cat with black strips, a white face, and blue eyes. I make the hair a greyish white, and long, like mine. I decided I didn't like the earrings so I left those out. I was ready to name my cat person.

Then I remembered _my_ cat person. I tap the button to continue and hurriedly type in "Lauren". I don't get all creative with names.

I pick up the food bag and shake it like a jumbo maraca. "Scooooooout! Om noms!" I bellow. My parents are at work and my sister is listening to her Ipod. I can be as loud as I like.

"Dinner, Scout!" I yell. _Where in the world is she? _As character is called forward to be executed, I look around the room. Scout is nowhere in sight. The Imperial captain pushes me onto the block, and the executioner starts to raise his axe.

I then I see it.

No, not the fearsome black dragon glaring right at me, but a flash of fur in the bottom right corner of the screen. Hidden in the shadow of a giant tower, Scout has her eyes fixed on the executioner.

I stare in horror as the dragon lets loose a terrible roar and Scout launches herself onto the executioner's head. He yells in pain and tumbles out of view, and I realize I have dropped the controller. I have no time to find it, because suddenly the dragon lands right in front of me and sends a fireball flying at me.

The screen emits a blinding light, forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I'm so startled that I hardly notice the air around me getting warmer until it is so hot I feel nauseous. Still unable to see, I stand up and try to find the controller. Turning the console off is definitely not an option. By now it feels like my very skin is singeing, and my vision is darkening around the edges. I continue to stumble through the room, desperately trying to find the controller before I get cooked to death.

Finally, I see it wedged under the TV. I lunge for it, but in my delirious state I crash right into the TV. But instead of landing on the floor of the living room, I fall into the TV with a familiar crash. Then everything goes dark.

** Yeah! I finished my first fanfic chapter ever! Poor executioner guy. He was just doing his job and now he has to deal with Scout AND a dragon! I wonder what will happen next…**

** By the way, I didn't know about the 2 day waiting period for uploading stories after you made an account on Fanfiction, so I was waiting by the computer **_**all day**_**. Anyway, thanks for reading! You can give constructive criticism or even flame; I don't care just review please!**


	2. Holy Peanut Butter

**And we're back! WOW Chapter 2 took **_**so**_** long; it's been a rather busy week. But the good news is that Chapter 1 was sort of an introduction, so the rest of the chapters should be much longer. With that said, let's get on with the story! This chapter is again in Lauren's point of view. What awaits our two adventurers? No one knows…**

"Hey, prisoner! Get up!"

I come to my senses and realize my hands are bound, and that I am on the ground next to a dead guy. I scramble to my feet, only to be met with an even more unnerving scene. Houses are burning around me, and families rush out of them holding onto their belongings. Just like Scout, I have been warped into Skyrim.

"Prisoner!"

An Imperial is standing by the gates, beckoning me over to a group of soldiers. I start to follow, but then I remember where I saw Scout. I look back towards the clearing and spot the tower, but no Scout.

"Khajiit! Get out of the open, or the dragon will see you!"

No way, I forgot about the dragon! The guy who is shouting at me is not Imperial, and he is wearing a strange cuirass. I recognize him as the Nord who was also going to be executed. He seems more trust-worthy, so when he disappears inside one of the smaller towers with others dressed like him, I quickly follow him inside. To my dismay, the man named Ulfric hurriedly shuts the door behind me.

"Ralof, lead the Khajiit and anyone able to walk away from the city. I'll see if I can help the others."

"Wait! My friend's out there!" I tell him.

"Your friend?" he asks in surprise. "How does a Khajiit have friends in Skyrim?"

"No, you don't understand," I explain, as the dragon roars and the whole tower shakes. "She's a cat, have you seen a cat around?"

Ulfric doesn't respond at first, and that's when the other Stormcloak notices I'm not following the group up the tower.

"Hurry up, Khajiit! This tower's not going to hold much longer!" He returns to my side. "What's going on?"

"She says that a friend of hers lives in Helgen. A Khajiit, like her."

I'm getting nowhere. Do they even have cats in Skyrim? I saw a dog with a family earlier, but do they seriously not have domestic cats here?

"Never mind!" I shout, startling both of them. "I'll find her myself!" I rush past both of them and up the tower. Unfortunately, the way is blocked by a collapsed part of the ceiling. A rather scrawny Stormcloak is trying to move the stones out of the way.

"Don't worry! Just a few more…"

With a tremendous crash, the dragon slams into the side of the tower, clearing a hole the size of a mammoth. I jump back as it spews fire in through the hole, barely managing not to get fried. It doesn't see me and jumps off of the building, heading for its next target.

I look back down the tower. It looks like most of the Stormcloaks didn't make it, and Ulfric is nowhere in sight.

"Lauren!"

I jump at the sound of my name, and I look behind me to see Ralof running up the stairs. He's alone.

"Where's Ulfric?" I ask.

"I don't know." He looks distraught, but then he remembers something. "Oh yes, your friend, that cat-looking creature? I did see her! She was headed down the road to Riften, last time I saw."

"Really? That's-"

"But right now, we need to get out of here." He looked out the hole in the wall. "There. See that inn over there? Jump on the second floor and make your way through. I'll catch up later."

"But-"

"Go!"

_Nords are really stubborn_, I think, and then survey the gap between me and the inn. A fire has already burned a hole in the roof, so I can't wait any longer to jump or the inn will be ashes. Then again, if I miss, all my fur will singe and I'll become the first ever Khajiit sphinx cat.

I steady myself on the very edge of the tower and prepare to jump.

"Oh and uh…"

I sigh. "What is it Ralof, I was about to jump."

"Well, Ulfric was wondering… what are you wearing?"

_What? _I look at my attire. Apparently my Xbox's spontaneous game suction has a glitch, because I'm wearing my plaid pajama pants, sneakers, a Super Mario t-shirt, and a black windbreaker jacket. Inside the left pocket of the jacket is the jar of peanut butter.

"Ah…yes…" I say, thinking of how to respond. Then I remember the Imperial captain saying that my remains would be returned to Elsweyr, and I get an idea.

"This," I point to Mario. "This is Marr-eho. He is the secret god of the Khajiit. And this," I point to the mega mushroom. "This is his great mushroom of prosperity. It brings long life to our crops." I pause to take in Ralof's astonished look. "But the greatest of all is THIS."

I bring out the jar of peanut butter. "Once a year, sacred rain of the great mushroom falls from the sky, and the generations before me have begun to collect this precipitation, and have found that it can empower warriors to fight with twice the strength and zeal!"

"Wow… that is incredible!" Ralof says, and I can tell by his face that he wants to try some.

"If we make it out of here alive, I'll let you try some, I promise." With that, I tuck the jar under my arm, back up a few steps, and leap out of the tower. If I wasn't a Khajiit, I probably wouldn't have made that jump, but I manage to land rather painfully on the wooden floor of the inn. It's a million and five degrees in here, so I jump down to the floor below and look for a way out.

There's only one door not blocked off, so I make a run for it. There is a loud creak above me, and I just manage to dive out the door before the inn caves in on me. When I get to my feet, a few Imperial soldiers rush by, headed for the center of the village. I follow them, trying not to notice that nearly the whole town has been destroyed. When I come to the clearing, I see Ralof arguing with one of the Imperial. When I walk up to them, they both stop and look at me, especially the Imperial, who is squinting at my "mushroom god" shirt.

All three of us are knocked to the ground when a fireball just barely misses us. I look up to see the dragon flying directly above us.

"Come with me!"

"Follow me, prisoner!

The two take off in opposite directions, and I hesitate, wondering what to do. Sure, the Imperials have the upper hand, but I've promised Ralof his fair share of peanut butter. But what concerns me most is what I see in the distance. A road leading away from the city is marked by an arrow sign, which reads "Riften". If what Ralof says is true, Scout shouldn't be far down that road. Then again, even if I did find her, how would we get out of the game?

The sound of Ralof's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. He waves his arms frantically, trying to get my attention. Then he yells something, but I can't hear him over the dragon roaring.

_Oh, right…_

I whip around and see that the dragon has landed on the ground about 10 feet away from where I'm standing. It opens its mouth, and I know there's no way I can dodge fast enough. I can't move. I'm petrified by the dragon's eyes, which seem to glow with raw power. A low rumbling resembling a deep voice comes from the dragon's thought.

But instead of fire, a wall of force knocks me flying, and I crash into the door head first next to Ralof. He gives me a bewildered look and then yanks me inside the keep and bolts the door behind. Dizzy, I sit down to catch my breath. Ralof runs further into the keep.

My head is still pounding when I finally speak. "Ralof, what in the world did that dragon just do?"

Ralof doesn't respond. He is crouching by something on the floor. As I stand up, I see a man with the same cuirass as Ralof lying motionless on the floor. I walk over and then I can tell that he is definitely dead.

"Gunjar." Ralof says sadly. "He won't be needing his gear anymore though. You should take it." With that, he stands and walks over to an iron gate leading to another room.

I take the cuirass off of Gunjar and pick up his axe. It's heavy, but not so much that I can't carry it. I set the axe down on the ground and get a good look at the cuirass. It's a little blood-stained, but otherwise seems fine. I decide to simply put on the cuirass over my pajamas and jacket.

I put the cuirass on and start to pull it over my head. What I didn't take into account was my past experiences with hoodies, sweatshirts, etc. and the very reason I was wearing a zip-up jacket now. If the human me had a big head, you could be certain that my Skyrim avatar would, too.

"Oh no!" I hear Ralof say. "Imperial soldiers. Quick, take cover!"

"Ralof!" I yell, starting to panic. "I'm stuck!"

"What?" he whispers. I can hear the metallic sound of boots coming closer. _If I could just manage to get this thing on!_

"There they are! I see the Khajiit!"

I finally get my ears through the hole. My cat hearing picks up the clashing of metal swords. By the sound of the Imperial's boots, Ralof is fighting the Imperial captain. But the captain was a lady! The Imperial I heard speak was a man.

Then I hear it: the shuffling of leather boots, just to my right. Still unable to see, I turn and lash out with both hands, which happen to be armed with claws. I cry out as the Imperial's sword rakes my right arm. However, I also hear him shout as my left hand's claws hook on skin. I hiss and attack him both hands. Suddenly, something knocks me upside the head and I fall over onto the stone floor. I try to get up but my head feels like it weighs a ton.

A loud crash signifies that Ralof has won his fight. His fur boots don't make much noise, but I hear the Imperial struggling and finally, he too falls. Ralof walks back over to me.

"Any more of that and you're going to get brain damage." Ralof hoists me onto my feet, and then yanks the cuirass over my head.

"Ow!" I complain, rubbing my nose.

"We need to keep moving. Come on." He heads out of the gate he unlocked.

I look back at the Imperials. Gunjar's axe had been a little awkward, but I wonder how I would do with a sword. I pick up one, and it feels much more natural. I go over to the captain and pick up hers as well. The best offense is a good offense.

I follow Ralof through what seems like miles of underground tunnels. We keep meeting Imperials, but we manage to take them down without taking a lot of damage. Ralof instructs me to pick up some potions and whatever food I find. I also find some rope and a large empty sack, and fashion something resembling a backpack.

Eventually we come to a large room filled with cages. We defeat the Imperials there and are greeted by other Stormcloaks. I'm not fully sure why, but I'm glad that not all the Stormcloaks were killed.

I sit my bag on a table and pull out a piece of bread. I'm absolutely starving.

"Hey, we're not here to lounge around, Khajiit," a lady Stormcloak scolds as soon as she sees me take a bite.

"Shen hmy whare me shtoppeng?"

"What?"

I swallow. "I said, why are we stopping?"

"Oh." She shrugs. "Guess Ralof doesn't have very nimble fingers."

"Stupid lock!" Ralof curses under his breath as his lock pick breaks.

I remember reading about lock picking in the game guide. Khajiits were supposed to be rather good at it.

"Can I try?"

Ralof tosses me a handful of lock picks. "Alright then, we'll continue on ahead. Don't take too long."

"Sure thing," I say as I insert the pick into the lock. I turn it clockwise some then a little more counterclockwise. I spin the lock around until I hear a resounding click. _Success! _I swing the door open.

"Ahh!" I leap back away the cage. Wouldn't you know it, another dead guy.

His robes are strange, a light blue. But next to him are more potions and gold. I scoop them up and hurry to catch up with the others.

As I walk down the cold, damp passages underground, I find myself getting distracted by Skyrim's flora. I even found some glowing mushrooms growing along a wall, a few of which I packed into my sack-bag.

Those Stormcloaks must have been going pretty fast, because it takes a while for me to pick up their voices.

"Yeah, it's called 'Yif', and it is the rain that comes from their sacred mushroom…"

"Wow! It must be valuable, then!"

_Crap. Now I have to share._

"Imperials!" I hear Ralof shout. Unsheathing my swords, I run into the next room. The Stormcloak I talked to earlier sees me first.

"It's an ambush this time," she says, "Help me t- Arhg!"

She falls to the ground as she is struck by an arrow. Instinctively, I duck behind a rock and look to where the arrow came from. I spot an Imperial running through the cavern, hiding in the shadows. He is looking in my direction.

Not sure of what to do, I look around me and spot a dead guy, and next to him, a long bow. I sheathe my swords and bend the bowstring back. It seems to be in fair condition, but what good is a bow without anything to shoot? The Imperial has a quiver on his back, but no arrows.

But I know who has arrows: the other Imperial, who at the moment is trying to shoot me. I think up a rather risky plan and pop up from behind the rock. Almost immediately, I feel something fly by my face and I duck back down.

An arrow clatters on the ground. But I need more… I leap out entirely from my hiding spot and start to run around in circles. Arrows fly past me but none manage to hit me. Back when I was in PE, I loved to play 'jail break'; I couldn't throw if my life depended on it, but I could dodge.

Eventually the archer only has one arrow left, and by then I have used my tail to pick up about twelve arrows. I notch one and pull back the bowstring, and am surprised by how much energy it takes. I start to aim for him, and notice that he is also aiming, but is turned away from me. He is aiming for Ralof, who is fighting back two Imperials armed with maces.

I pull back the bowstring as far as I can, and aim just above his chest. Holding the bow steady, I release the arrow's feather. It hits the Imperial in the stomach, and he jerks to the left, causing his shot to hit one of his allies. Ralof finishes off the last Imperial and sheathes his blade.

"You're a pretty good shot. How did you even see him?"

This question confuses me. "He was right over there." I say, pointing to a spot not ten feet away.

"Oh. Anyway, we need to get out of here."

We travel as quickly as possible, and after what seems like hours of running, fighting, and sneaking past sleeping bears, we at last see a light in the distance. I run full speed out of the cave and begin dancing around in the snow.

"FINALLY! I thought I was gonna die in there!"

"Lauren, hush!"

Ralof grabs the back of my cuirass and yanks me down behind a rock. Then, a thunderous roar shakes the earth, and a giant shadow passes by on the ground. I glance up to see the dragon flying towards a distant mountain.

"What in Skyrim were you thinking, jumping around like that?"

_That game introduction was even longer than Oblivion's…_

"Oh, sorry, guess I got carried away," I lie.

Ralof stands and looks toward a valley to the north. "Well, I'll be heading back to Riverwood, my hometown. You should come with me."

Everything that had happened comes right back to me, and I leap up and wheel around, looking for some kind of landmark. However, we had traveled a great distance, and Helgen was nowhere in sight.

"Lauren? What's-"

"Ralof!" I yell, still horrified that I forgot about Scout. "Which way to Riften?"

He stares at me for a moment, then points to the mouth of the cave we just exited.

"Are there any _other _ways to Riften?" I ask, becoming a little exasperated.

He sighs. "There's a road that leads off of Riverwood, one that leads straight to Riften, but it also heads right through Helgen. You need to wait a few days before-"

_Days? I can't wait days! Scout will be dragon food by then!_

Ralof reads my expression. "Okay, fine. But will you at least wait overnight and come with me to Riverwood?"

"Okay…" I say, not wholly forgiving myself for not running all the way back through the tunnel to Riften.

"Oh come," Ralof laughs. "Have some faith in your friend! If she was swift enough to escape Helgen unnoticed, I'm sure she'll make it to Riften in no time. She'll be safe there."

This makes me feel better. Then I notice the sky; the sun is starting to go down.

"Let's go then." Ralof starts jogging down the path. "The faster we get to Riverwood, the better."

Then I remember. "Hey! Ralof!"

"What is it now?" He turns around, annoyance tracing his otherwise calm face.

"Want some Yif?"

** Now I know what you're thinking: Pajama Warrior is the slowest updater of all time! But I promise the chapters will never again take a week to write. This week was an exception just because of over-scheduling. Also, the part where Lauren is happy she's out of the cave is a reference to the game intro itself, which in my opinion was SO tedious to play. And the "YIF" is the same as "JIF" but the Nords pronounce their J's like Y's, such as in "Jarl". Lauren just never corrected Ralof on it. But anyway, don't forget to review! **


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